It’s not over

In our darkest hour is when we can see an angel! Where we get a glimpse of hope that we will survive! Today May 1st was the date of my first line of Meth, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY RIGHT?? 16 years ago- This day almost cost me my life, it did cost me my dignity, self-worth and everything else!! But God was there the whole time!! When I was losing all hope and thinking it was over is when God sent his angel to me!! That moment I wasn’t forgotten, that moment I felt God’s unstoppable love, that moment it wasn’t over for me!! When I was detoxing from a 3 month straight meth binge, where I would eat prob every 3 days & sleep every 5! Janna Ray from our little small town of Kirby Arkansas came to visit me. She brought me a journal and this bottle of  lotion that smelt so clean and fresh… More about what the journal said a different time,, but in big bold letters the front said “don’t quit”! I ask her to write an insert for the book and tell me the back story how she showed up to my house 3 days into my detox when I was ready to give up!!


A familiar face opened the door at the little store where I worked.  “Hi, Jerry.”  His dark brown eyes twinkled at me above the ZZ Top beard.  He quietly, in true Jerry-style, picked out his purchases and I rang him up.  After the transaction, he paused. 

“I’ve got Jessica in the car.”

Jessica.  The beautiful teenager with whom I had struck up an unlikely friendship. The girl whose sparkling personality and gorgeous looks prophesied an amazing future. The girl who had been willfully missing for weeks, maybe months. 

My heart pounded as I followed Jerry out the door and to the car.  As I opened the car door my breath caught in my throat as I tried to hide my disbelief.

The person crumpled in the seat was all but unrecognizable.  Her once gorgeous ebony hair hung in long, matted clumps.  Her fingers with dirty black nails wiped at tears that streamed down her face. Her entire body was trembling.  If she’d had anything to eat lately, it wasn’t much. 

“Hey girl.” 

Her response was hoarse and her eyes stayed down.  I told her I loved her and she nodded.  No words were needed.   

“I’m glad you’re home.”

She nodded again. I shut the door and watched Jerry head out, taking his baby girl home.

My heart was both full and heavy for the rest of the day.  Full for the prodigal that had come home.  I didn’t know details, but they didn’t matter.  Heavy because I had avoided the opportunity to witness to Jessica about the Lord in past years – my own life riddled with mistakes and insecurities that Satan freely used against me. 

Lord, I don’t know what to say or do.  You know I get tongue-tied.  I don’t have the spiritual gifts to be a witness.  My own life is not in order.  Why would anyone listen to me?

Still, I felt a tugging to go to her.  (Isn’t the Holy Spirit just something else?)  Stuff.  I will bring her stuff.  I will go and I will bring her a Dr. Pepper and a barbeque sandwich. That girl did love her some Dr. Pepper and barbeque sandwiches.  My great idea turned to disappointment as I saw how small and insignificant the bag looked.  There needed to be more stuff.  Girly stuff.  I picked out some lotion and a journal and headed over to see my friend. 

As we visited, the words wouldn’t come. 

Lord, this isn’t the right time.  She just needs a friend.  Can’t I just be a friend?  She knows I’m a Christian.  Maybe she’ll want to become one, too.

And the words never came. 

But I told her I loved her no matter what. There was no judgment from me. 

Even in my weakness and outright disobedience, the Lord worked his perfect work in Jessica’s life. Little did I know she would remember our visit and insignificant items in those little brown grocery bags.

My strength is made perfect in weakness.  2 Corinthians 12:9

Praise God for carrying out His perfect and powerful plan, even in the midst of and in spite of fumbly efforts that only vaguely mirror what He has instructed us to do. 

Praise God for a handsome young man that soon led Jessica to a saving faith in Him.

Praise God for softened hearts ready to receive the Good News of a better way.

Praise God for changed lives.

Psalm 89:1 I will sing of the mercies of the LORD for ever: with my mouth will I make known thy faithfulness to all generations.



My 13 reasons why

As someone who has struggled with the thought of suicide from the age of 9-22! Life kept piling the baggage of hurt and disappointment heavier and heavier! Everyone would have been better off without me being here! Different times I wanted it to end for good, the pain to stop. One day after School when I was around 11 I got a knife out of the kitchen went into my room and held it to my chest, I knew if I pushed it thru my heart the pain would stop! I would dream about the different ways I could slice my wrist to make the pain go away the fastest. I was hurting mentally so bad. My life was a giant rollercoaster of huge ups & then huge downs. I was so bipolar in my head and the voices wouldn’t shut up telling me I’ll never be good enough, I’ll end up just like everyone else. But Something inside of me always said none of this pain will matter in 10 years! I be Dang that voice was so right! I believe today that was God’s voice.

Here are my 13 reasons why I’m glad I didn’t kill myself when the pain was unbearable!

1- its not our fault if a parent or parents abandoned us!

2- the rejection you feel from the kids at school,, they are struggling with their own issues when they make fun of you it’s not because of you it’s because of them

3- that boy isn’t the only one you’ll fall in love with, this heart break won’t last forever

4- I forgave that man who didn’t respect my NO and carried on with his pleasure &  then I came to realize it was never my fault

5- I forgave myself for all of the things I did in darkness

6- drugs didn’t rule your life forever

7-  God had always had a purpose for me!

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”

Jeremiah 29:11 NLT

8-  My husband of freaking 14 years loves me unconditionally and will never leave me


9-  When my 16 year old son, that I signed over custody of when I was on drugs walks in my house and says I love you-it was worth living


10- I got to bring a beautiful daughter into this world


11- I got to baptize my sons

12- I have more friends that I could have ever dreamed of having


My 13th reason?? IS YOU….  don’t give up boy or girl! Your life is worth living


Dear Lost “One”


It’s time to stop living your life like this! You have to admit this drug has ruined your life! You  have to realize it has taken everything from you!


Meth has chained you to its lies!

It tells you that just one snort won’t hurt, it tells you your not a drug addict, it tells you you look good in the mirror, it tells you no one is getting hurt, it tells you you can go to the drug house and not use!

It keeps begging you back, the fear of unknown sucks you back into the cycle and you keep giving your soul back to it over & over & over & over

It will only lead u to jail or dead!!

Your thoughts are- when will this end, everyone around me is stuck in the exact same cycle, everyone relapses… I will never break free…. Sitting behind my own prison walls begging for someone to save me!!

I am here to tell you I can’t save you, jail can’t save you, rehab can’t save you…but I can tell you it’s possible and who is the only one that can save you!!

God! Ask Him-then step where he says step, HE WILL LEAD YOU IF YOU LET HIM!

God says you are worth more, and that he has a purpose for your life! He is there to rescue you and to help you break free from this demon for good! How do I know? Because I did!! 15 years sober! I got a new beginning and God helped me put the pieces back together that I had shattered!

If you think about how far you have to go you won’t take the first step!! All you have to do is not use today… then repeat that for the rest of your life!


“for this son of mine was dead and has now returned to life. He was lost, but now he is found.’ So the party began.” Luke 15:24 NLT

NOW- watch God help you with your legal battles, watch God put your kids back in your life, watch God restore your health and beauty, watch God mend your broken relationships, watch God lead you to forgive the ones who did the unforgivable things to you!

Then it will be your turn to help rescue other people that are living in hell like you where because of this drug!

The rescued meth addict

Jessica Youngblood

For real tho…

What are you waiting on? What is stopping you? Are you hiding behind your weight and your unhealthiness? I sure was, making fun of myself in front of people about how unhealthy I ate was easier than changing it! I was scared to start a healthy journey because the fear of failing!

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See I gained 30 lbs BEFORE getting pregnant, one because I was getting older but really it was because I was lazy! This is me in December 2015 @ 150 pounds! I am 5’5 a HEALTHY WEIGHT FOR ME IS AROUND 120!!

So not caring about my health and weight before pregnancy just got more when I was pregnant (you know the excuse to eat whatever I want)! On top of getting really depressed during pregnancy, I was set up to be the biggest and unhealthiest I have ever been my WHOLE LIFE! So that created a lot of health problems but it really caused some issues that would show thru not caring about the way I looked- I won’t wear makeup today-I don’t care how my hair looks- I don’t need new clothes I’ll wear jogging pants or leggings! See weight and unhealthiness steals our quality of life yall, keeps us from the things we use to love or care about, it causes depression! See I loved hair- I loved doing my makeup- and I loved new clothes and getting dressed up! What had happened? How did I get here!

I believe our outward appearance mirrors the condition of our mental, emotional and spiritual heath is in! If you notice when I talk about weight I talk about unhealthiness to! I am just sharing my journey with you! I don’t care what your weight is, question is are you balanced and healthy!! Are you whole and healed from stuff?? Or is it all a crutch! Have you just had a lazy season of letting yourself go!?

At my last pregnancy doctor’s appointment I weighed 205….. you read that right people! I was in such denial, I was so embarrassed I had let myself get to that point! I wouldn’t even let Jon know what my weight was (surprise babe that’s how much I weighed) the lie I believed was if he didn’t know the number I could keep being in denial, I could keep the excuses or convince myself I wasn’t that bad off!

So I had my angel in October 2016 an I thought once I have her I’ll be skinny…. hahahaha who was I kidding, my lifestyle didn’t change! I would have to go back in for after baby appointments and I would see the numbers weren’t going down!! I was still having the same health problems I had while I was pregnant! I was so much better emotionally and spiritually after I had her but my health was still stealing my Joy- it was stealing my spark I used to have!

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January 13 2017 I was sick of it! It had been 3 months since being pregnant and my excuses were running out!! It was like a light switch clicked on! My weight at this point was 181 (gosh I hope this helps someone cause I’m airing out all my crap)

In 2 months I have LOST 15 lbs & 8 inches just around my stomach yall!!!! But I have my life back! I have passion and creativity!! I have CONTROL OVER MYSELF- myself isn’t controlling me!

NOT WERE I WANT TO BE BUT I AM ON MY WAY!! I am actually 16 pounds heavier than in my before picture (again its not about what the scale says anyway).. I AM HEALHY! I haven’t ever felt better in my life! Can’t imagine the way i will feel when I arrive to where God is taking me in this journey! We have to do our part first then we can ask God for a miracle! God wasn’t going to give me health as I’m shoving Krispy creme donuts in my mouth! Transformation happens from one little decision after another!!



Never say Never

DSC_0033When we started the adoption process we knew it was not going to be easy, crap being preggo and pushing a baby out of your V aint no walk in the park. It’s so worth it!! God’s ways are always higher than our own. We have always had a desire to adopt but to actually start the process has been so amazing. We just knew either our Daughter would come from a mom on facebook or we would go through an agency to get her that way! But what did I say earlier?? God’s ways are higher than our ways!


So when I posted about adopting alot of chicks posted and messaged me about fostering to adopt. I was like heck no, we would never want to do that! You want to read my list of excuses?

  1. I wouldn’t want to get attached
  2. I wouldn’t want a kid that has been abused to cause disfunction to our normal home
  3. I wouldn’t want the instability in my home of the kids in and out

Well there you have it there is 3 of my excuses that I have or fears that i have carried. Then a lightbulb went off in my head! God has been preparing us for the last like couple years for what He had for us! How has he done that? Let me give you  a list of ways God has PREPARED US and see if you think this is s0 freaking obvious that this is in our fate.

  1. My sister came and stayed with us for a couple weeks with her 2 babies, I loved them like they were my own…. and they went home….
  2. This chick came and lived with us for 6 weeks in her heroin addiction recovery, she had def walk through abuse and disfunction but God used our family to bring her much healing… and then she went home….
  3. Then Tanna and Ellie Jane came to stay with us, I had already loved them both as my own but having them in my home I loved them in even deeper ways…. YOU GUESSED IT…. THEY WENT HOME…….
  4. The latest sign that we got when we had a day to decide if we would take 2 precious little boys into our home for a week and love them like they were our own…. we did for sure…. THEY GO HOME TODAY…..

We had to provide them food, shelter and most of all we showed them Jesus. I have learned in these stories I can only obey what God asked me to do and plant seeds in these peoples life but I can’t control the outcome! Sound familiar, I feel like we have already had crash course on what fostering is like and so have are boys. Am I scared they will get attached, yes but what makes me less afraid is, how much love they will show a broken little girl an forever change her life.

If you haven’t figured it out by now, WE ARE GOING TO OUR FIRST FOSTER TO ADOPT MEETING SATURDAY!!



I got to SEE Jesus




We all watched a dear friend of ours get the “diagnosis” of Cancer a week ago today. Lauren Kuehn, this girl is Jesus with skin on. I don’t say that lightly or about many people but I can say that boldly about her! What are things that get her this title you ask!!?? Well let me share just a couple with you!!

LOVE-Love, she loves her husband with all her soul, love is what allows her to meet the need of her four beautiful children that age from 9 months- 6 years old before her needs are met, Love is what leads her to lift the needs of others in prayer before she would pray for herself.

PEACE- Peace is what you experience when your around lauren, She has such a peace with God in all circumstances. This girl has never wavered in the midst of different storms she has been in the whole time I have know her because she knows that God is in control and that He is always a faithful father! This kind of Peace rubs off on you when you are around her!



This week as I look into her two younger boys eyes, tear have ran down my face because I see Jesus, I see the love that a momma has poured into her kids. I feel a peace and calming that a mom has instilled into her children. Its not the big moments in life that we see Jesus face to face it in the ordinary moments of obedience that Jesus show up and changes your life forever! This has been one of those weeks for me!!  God has our friend Lauren in His hands and Jesus Christ is Healing her body in Jesus name!

Proverbs 31:28 Her children arise and call her blessed…..